In the category of “horribly ironic,” I was watching the iPhone 4S event last night, comparing new CEO Tim Cook to Steve. Cook reminds me of a beloved professor I had back at Penn—even when he talked about things I found absolutely fascinating, his presentation made me feel like I was watching an Iowa farm report.

Simply put, I missed the Reality Distortion Field, and I gave some idle thought to what Jobs would do in retirement.

Reality came along and smacked me in the head a half-hour later.

Suffice to say that I’m not particularly concerned about Apple from a business or technology design perspective. Jobs was one hell of a leader, his protégé class has plenty of his skills, and all of them were working with a talented crew that remains in place. I fully expect an idiotic business/tech/analyst community to come up with a new meme to replace “beleaguered Apple” within three to six months, saying how badly Apple has lost its way since Steve died. Really, it’s just a matter of time, one of those stories that writes itself regardless of whether it’s true.

As for my feelings… anyone remember when Charles Schultz died the same day the last Peanuts cartoon was published? Yeah. That.

This was from Tuesday’s presentation, the first without Steve at the helm, and a day before he died. I don’t know if the reserved seat was for him, but a day later, the black drape with the “Reserved” moniker seems… appropriate. This seems to me to perfectly encapsulate where Apple stands.

A room full of people applauding Apple’s latest release.

Rows of Apple employees basking in the moment.

An empty chair for the man who won’t get to see next year’s model.

So. Cigarettes are bad for you. Who knew?

That appears to be thinking behind new cigarette packaging due out later this year, on which the federal government will attempt to gross me out with yucky pictures. Apparently, the boffins at Health and Human Services believe the following:

1. I really don’t know that smoking is bad for me.
2. Showing me pictures of cigarettes fucking up my insides will convince me.
3. Hence, I’ll quit smoking and stop forking over approximately $5 a day in optional state and federal taxes.

Genius!

Let me clarify for HHS:

1. I know that smoking is bad for me, probably with greater detail than most of the administrators at HHS who approved this campaign.
2. In my family, the more you smoke, the longer you live. (N=3, p ≤ 1.0)
3. I think it’s highly likely that I started smoking because it’s bad for you, and at the ripe old age of twenty, I disliked being such a goody two-shoes.
4. Now that I’ve been smoking for twenty years, I am addicted. That means that the cells in my body really couldn’t give a flying fuck what you have to say about it.

I don’t think that my experience with smoking is that anomalous; smokers have known for centuries that it’s bad for us, and we do it anyway. Like most smokers, I’d prefer not to be addicted whether or not I choose to stop; like most smokers, I intend to quit someday before it’s forced on me by reasons of health or early death, just not right now.

Chances that sterner warnings or yucky pictures will affect this: zero. Chances of cigarette-holding flip case sales going up: high. Or I’ll just switch back to an Altoids box.

You want to improve the health outcomes of smokers? Try doing research to make genetically-modified safe cigarettes—or at the very least, let’s see some actual government regulation that reduces the amount of crap in an American cigarette. Because that would be useful. This? It’s a load of bullshit designed not to piss off the tobacco companies too much. As if we can’t tell.

And here’s what I was given at CFP, to assuage those who believe I’ve become a media whore:

From CFP, a nifty shoulder bag that I’ve drafted as a laptop carryall, a few 2 gig USB sticks, and an extra-large T-shirt that oddly enough placed the conference logo at right hip level. Also a few yummy catered box lunches.

From AT&T, a notebook in which I can write all of the reasons why I’m glad I’m a Virgin Mobile customer.

The Center for Democracy and Technology and Public Citizen both sponsored evening happy hours, with free vittles and libations. I vittled heavily and libated lightly.

For those of you who are not members of the human race, a few reasons why Anthony Weiner might initiate cybersex conversations with attractive women over Twitter:

1) He’s a middle-aged guy with attractive young women willing to throw themselves at him from afar.

2) He’s cut. Above the waist, anyway. Probably below, if he’s Jewish.

3) He’s a middle-aged guy with attractive young women willing to throw themselves at him.

This doesn’t change, of course, that such behavior is risky, stupid, and apparently threatening to both his career and marriage. This is self-evident. But it’s also self-evident why a popular public figure might have a prurient interest in some of the people who are attracted to his public image. Can we please stop with the “why would anyone step outside the narrow bonds of monogamy” brow-beating?