Author Archives: Jeff Porten

Thought this said “surgery drinks,” making me wonder what those might be Penn Medicine Removes Sugary Drinks From Its Hospitals

Joel Avery, Christine Henry, and other architectural experts will find this story highly amusing after their eyes stop bleeding long enough for them to read it.

Betsy DeVos’s summer home deserves a special place in McMansion Hell

Worst story ideas ever, part 4

Posted on

I have to read headline pitches. It’s boring. I mock the worst ones.

The current state of wood pulp in food

your diet is too high in fiber

Why Humans Feel Connected to Dolphins and Whales

we are increasingly overweight and incomprehensible

Fortnite Coach wanted to tell all

especially why your job exists

CEO’s looking to Public Speak (book)

cause good speak make big image, and exposure to illiterate writers is always good

What documents do you need for a business loan?

mostly green ones, approximately six by two inches

Will B2B Sales Ever Pass The Turing Test?

your question doesn’t

How Does Cooking Help Mental Health?

burns and cuts temporarily distract from existential despair

If your partner is a lot older or younger, please share how you make your relationship work

large estates to bequeath

Bathroom Habits That Can Add Years To Your Life

stop holding it for weeks at a time

What’s the single most effective way for organizations to track high-value assets?

call the A-Team, they can find anybody

Looking for cannabis entrepreneurs

check outside the 7-11, man

What have you done to get a deal?

flew to Helsinki and Singapore and met with monsters, but then I forgot to ask for anything in return

Attention friends, some of you have a sacred cow that is about to get gored. Early Circumcision May Be A Major Cause Of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

Missing a chance to say, “you have to go to the back of the train and give up your seat to anyone who asks” Metro considering separate trains for white nationalists attending ‘Unite the Right’ rally

Hey, everyone, this is an excellent time to sue the fuck out of the NRA. The NRA Says It’s in Deep Financial Trouble, May Be ‘Unable to Exist’

Worth reading, although I suspect that social scientists are well aware of how these things happen and have been historically defused, but no one is asking them. Opinion | QAnon is terrifying. This is why.

Tiptoeing towards becoming a Jeffersonian democrat and believing that there should be a minimum threshold before you’re allowed to vote What Is QAnon? The Conspiracy Theory Tiptoeing Into Trump World

Worst story ideas ever, part 3

Posted on

I have to read headline pitches. It’s boring. I mock the worst ones.

Is “summer penis” real? ISO doctors/urologist

no, mine vanishes from solstice to solstice

The Downside of Monogamy and the Upside of Adultery

not sure why you need experts to tell you this

Seeking Thought Leaders in Artificial Intelligence

wait, do you mean the human ones?

What’s the future for women entrepreneurs?

about half

Future customer experience trends: 2019

will continue to hate airlines and Comcast

Tempest fighter jet: Has data power replaced air power?

wtf no

Cat massage

there are two things this can mean and both are creepy

How do you give a tall daughter confidence?

point and laugh at short girls

Back to School Gift Guide (my blog has over 1 million page views per month)

Irrelevant Non Sequitur (I won 2nd place in a 1984 science fair)

On track to have favelas by 2028 One chart that shows how much worse income inequality is in America than Europe

Worst story ideas ever, part 2

Posted on

I have to read headline pitches. It’s boring. I mock the worst ones.

Seeking health professionals to discuss the negative health effects of wearing an ill fitting bra

because apparently “it hurts like hell” isn’t a good enough reason

How To Overcome Writer’s Block

get a phone call from your agent, “you have to finish or give the money back” (hypothetically, so I hear)

Seeking Christian (Women Who Rock with Success)

seeking writers who (understand punctuation)

The Health Benefits Of Waking Up Before Sunrise

wait so paleo diet is good because it’s paleo but “be awake when it’s light out” is somehow bad now

How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Sexual Frequency

there are four different ways to interpret this and I’m going with electromagnetic wavelengths

Coconut Oil for Horses (Anonymous)

you should at least tell us what country you’re in so we can leave it

How to reheat a baked potato

ask the guy who didn’t know how to microwave a sweet potato yesterday

Budgeting as Part of the Sandwich Generation

set up a gofundme to raise money from the pepsi generation

Do women like beards?

if your editor wants a story longer than one word, you may want to rethink

Seeking dancers and scientist on why some people truly have no rhythm?

the profession you want is “anthropologist” because rhythm is culturally defined

Bilingual AI Expert/Programmer Needed

and must love dogs

Global Hotspots 2030: Where The Smart Money Will Go Next

obviously, anywhere but the places you print in the story

Redeem United Miles

fly somewhere

Still looking for bingeable Netflix Original Series!

still don’t understand how this could possibly require an expert to interview!

Ways for retirees to enjoy Labor Day for free

no, it’s every other day they enjoy, sitting on their lawns pointing and laughing at people going to work

How to turn a bedroom into a flex room

drive rifts in your family such that they can’t stand to be around you half the time

The Best Apps for Small Business of All Time

try something more specific, like “best apps for people with opposable thumbs”

If you’re a perfectionist, use these ways to keep your cool with a boss who is not

or perhaps tell your readers that their boss is right and they may need therapy

Things That Make You Look Old

being old

?Never attribute to malevolence what can be chalked up to incompetence. But this is malevolence.? Rep. Pramila Jayapal on Twitter