In the heat of night, at the scene of the crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time: Jeff Porten, stochastic wedding photographer.

Hiking through the woods, in pitch dark, at top speed, through Fairmount Park. Running very late and needed a shortcut. What could go wrong? Jenn Phillips, ready the search party.

“@TheFranklin: Ben Franklin memorial….getting some special “treatment” later this morning.” // A 30 foot marble statue of a French whore?

Phone autocorrected Franklin Institute to Freaking Institute, proving that it is well acquainted with Ben Franklin.

Attn: Penn Band, the Starbucks at 34th and Walnut is now playing an easy listening version of Hawaii 5-0, and richly deserves as many tollboothings as it takes to get them to stop.

Tips for thieves: if you steal something from a Starbucks, don’t use that item at the same table three days later. Your victim might be a regular.

Apparently, the fun of Ingress is: spend hours building things, then watch your hopes and dreams as they are crushed over the next few days.

Was watching a bluebird earlier today. Cat just made it lunch. All of you cute kitten picture sharers are vicious, vicious liars.

“@TheAtlantic: In 2012, Americans spent nearly $1B on more than 200 million pounds of fireworks http://t.co/PONy9IGZ2u” // ALL AT ONCE! ALL AT ONCE!

I assume that whomever removed the cappuccino bar from this train station is burning in the deepest circle of Hell.

On mornings I have to get up early, I must be the mortal enemy of “revitalizing” bath items. Invigorate THIS, you son of a bitch.