A long long time ago,
I can still remember how
An aircraft used to make me smile.
I didn’t know it wouldn’t last
‘Cause after PATRIOT was passed
The airport made us into juveniles.
In the X-rays they deliver,
You can see my fat cells quiver.
Bare feet: no one’s shoes kept.
Can’t even take one more step.
The guard says I must step aside,
I packed a pint of Liquid Tide,
And that they just cannot abide
Before they let me fly.

So screw you, first class rows one and two,
Pricey ticket, you can stick it up your X-rayed wazoo.
We all had to pass a governmental review
Passing TSA’s microscoped queue
And have our pics snapped in the nude.

Now, for ten years we’ve been on our own
And it looks like we’re still pretty boned
Obama’s not for privacy.
There’s a snowball’s chance of last resort
Coming down from Chief Roberts’ court
And no voice that comes from you and me.
Oh and while your rights are blown to hell
The nation’s hooked on the NFL.
No courtroom to adjourn:
Your verdict is returned.
While Lenin read a book of Marx
The FBI used it for darts
And found out they liked several parts
Before they let you fly.

They’re still singin’
There, there, people up in the air,
We don’t care if it’s unfair to look up your derriere.
Just grab and spread ’em ’til your sphincter is bare;
We hope you don’t mind if we stare.
We’ll keep the pics as long as we dare.

So there we were all in one place
Two hundred souls in a tiny space
And time has seemed to stop as well.
Though Jack be nimble and Jack be quick,
Jack has to stand to scratch his dick
‘Cause middle seats are a kind of hell.
But though I’m sorry for that guy
I have to smile, because I
Booked the exit row
with plenty room to stow.
Six thousand years of Jewish genes:
Low elevation for my knees.
I’m short, stretched out, and very pleased
Now that I can fly.

So screw you, first class rows 1 and 2,
Paid a pittance for remittance and I’ve more room than you.
Drink your whiskey and rye ’til you’re all nicely stewed
‘Cause if the shit hits the fan on approach,
Y’all are the airbag for coach.

Yeah, I was singin’
Fie, fie, from up here in the sky,
Damn the TSA’s lies, but it’s amazing to fly.
I hope their common sense is a future surprise,
But I think that’ll be the day that I die.