Author Archives: Jeff Porten

Robert Guerra @netfreedom:
“@jeffporten: How, exactly, does @1Password contain age-restricted material?”

1Password @1Password:
@netfreedom @jeffporten Unfiltered access to the Internets! Hide yo’ kids. Hide yo’ wife. :-o

@1Password @netfreedom I always keep my kids and wife on an encrypted disk image for their protection.

David Chartier @chartier:
I love the end of ST:TNG’s “Relics” episode.

Scotty: Hey let’s go tell more stories over a drink.

Geordi: I have a better idea. GTFO.

@chartier Deleted scene: Scotty: “Why? Date with your hologirlfriend?” [opens bottle of Romulan ale, leaves to meet Ro @ Ten Forward]

Bryan William Jones @BWJones:
Tragic that there is such a twitter account. @gundeaths is tweeting every gun related death that occurs in the US. You have to face facts.

I tweeted this at Phil Plait, but he didn’t respond: Phil says that mass falling into a black hole passes the event horizon at c. How is that possible? Paul Guinnessy? Ranieri Argentini?

http://www.jeffporten.com/?p=3746 The Vast Jeff Wing Conspiracy

According to Facebook’s “20 biggest moments of your 2012,” I’ve had a really boring year. Most of them were other people’s moments.

Today, a NYT reporter or editor decided if names of multiple child & adult murder victims should be alphabetized together, or as 2 lists.

Worst pun of 2012

Posted on

Was at breakfast this morning with an old friend, whose wife made an excellent quiche for us. He commented that for Thanksgiving, she had made three quiches: two for dinner and one set aside just for him. But their houseguests didn’t know this, and the next day they had it for their own breakfast.

I said, “Well, you know that stolen quiches are the sweetest.”

Lex Friedman @lexfri:
What if the eight nights are in fact entirely sane, and WE’RE the crazy ones?!!?!?

@lexfri For one thing, we burn oil for light instead of using it to make more latkes.

Paul R. Gilmartin @mentalpod:
Wouldn’t it be nice if treating mental illness was given this much attention the other 364 days a year?

.@mentalpod Even nicer if they didn’t have to be scared shitless of us to pay attention.

Uli Kusterer @uliwitness:
Season 1 of NCIS has J. J. Abrams-level atrocious German in one episode. Why can no US TV show actually get someone who knows German?

@uliwitness Wait, German is a real language? I thought it was just a weird mashup of Yiddish and bratwurst. Like Klingon and raktigino.

Uli Kusterer @uliwitness:
@jeffporten We just invented the Bielefeld conspiracy to detract from the fact all of it doesn’t exist. Gee, thanks for blowing our cover!

Dear 1st Cab Driver I Didn’t Tip in Ten Years

Posted on

It wasn’t that you couldn’t hear me over the sound in your phone headset conversation.

Or that I could barely understand you, due to your accent, mumbling, and soft voice.

Or that you dropped me off a half-block from my destination. With my luggage, which I loaded and unloaded myself.

Or that your credit card interface offered tip buttons for “20%”, “25%”, and “30%”, which subtly and unethically manipulates people into tipping at least 25%. (Incidentally, my standard tip is 32% for that ride.)

No, it was the in-car video screen with no volume control playing an interview with Jenny McCarthy that did it.