Author Archives: Jeff Porten

  • Kelly Guimont:
    Hey you just ate the note I painstakingly recreated on my iPhone after it vanished once before. What am I doing wrong?

Stop making tasty notes.

  • Tom Negrino:
    I’m really enjoying ’s Gulp, which delves into the mysteries of our alimentary canals. But really, don’t read it during meals.

If you shouldn’t read Gulp during meals, I really want to see the warning for Bonk.

  • Tom Negrino:
    I had a hilarious & fun conversation with a coffee shop waitress while I was reading Bonk and laughing out loud.

  • Dan Moren:
    So, ordering a WWDC ticket, renewing a car registration, and buying train tickets in Italy freaks out the fraud protection algorithm.

When are you going? Italian trains in summertime can be an adventure.

Ah, good timing then. June & August were insane.

  • Dan Moren:
    Presumably all previous guests get complimentary shirts, right?
  • Lex Friedman:
    Sure! Shipping is $24.

Only if he can pay in six installments, and gets Unprofesh underwear (a $12 value) if he orders now.

  • Glenn Fleishman:
    Make a list containing Bertrand Russell.

People I’m two degrees of: Bertrand Russell, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kevin Bacon.

  • Jenny Johnson:
    If you’re carrying around a bag of your dog’s shit, the dog won.

“: If you’re carrying around a bag of your dog’s shit, the dog won.” // Cats get you to dedicate a room to catshit FTW.

  • Sharon Hill:
    How come these bozos don’t get sued for libel? : Of course Obama loves Planned Parenthood. He supports infanticide…

I can’t imagine who would have standing, who also wouldn’t want the media firestorm that would result.

The E-ticket ride is a shotgun to the face

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Spit-take funny Onion article.

Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library Opens In Pitch-Dark, Sulfurous Underground Cave

[T]he subterranean library will include more than 2.7 million photographs, thousands of razor-sharp stalactites, 4 million documents offering a legal basis for torture, scalding-hot green smoke wafting out of the cave walls, an original manuscript of the Patriot Act, hundreds of sick and hungry cave bears, and 15,000 audio recordings from Cheney’s private meetings.

A NL hand post-mortem

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Wherein Our Hero attempts to add a no-limit game to his cash game poker repertoire

Sat down at a 1-1 NL table at Bally’s ($50-$150 buy-in, $2 to call the $1 blind preflop) with $100 I won at Jacks or Better, and was felted on the first hand I played, around two orbits in. Here’s how it went down.

A loose-aggressive player opened for $10 in middle position. $10 is his standard open, which is mathematically insane at a 1-1 table, but as he typically got a few calls this isn’t a bad plan in this case. A loose caller to my right calls. I’m in the cutoff seat and peek to see AKo in the hole.

I’ve got just under $100; the raiser has $330 and has me stacked. He’s also talked loudly about locking in the $300 and playing with the rest.

My decision process: can I fold? Hell no.

Should I raise? Hell yes. I raise to $30. He calls, everyone else folds.

Flop comes AQT two-suited and he checks to me. I’ve got him on anything from a middle pair to a crappy Ace, and the main thing I’m worried about is that he’s hit his kicker for two pair.

I go to bet, and I’m reminded why I hate no limit. There’s $70 in the pot. My normal bet of $35 leaves me pot-committed; I can’t fold to a check-raise because a) he’s aggressive; b) it’s a heavy drawing board, and c) he might think his A-x is good. So I bet the pot and go all-in.

He flips over K-J and takes it with the straight.

Post-mortem:

Should I have raised to something other than $30? My mistake here is that I didn’t think about it—I forgot my observation about his calling cap. Raise to $40 and there’s a chance that he folds preflop, especially with KJo. On the other hand, as it went down I got my money in good, and he called as a 3-1 dog.

Should I have called preflop? The mistake here is that I didn’t consider it. In retrospect, this was my last chance to control the size of the pot; after my raise, I’m going all-in on a favorable flop, and that hadn’t quite occurred to me.

Again on the other hand, calling here would given me top-pair, top-kicker on a draw-heavy board against two undefined opponents. As it stands, I’m kicking myself for giving myself no chance to get away from a cooler; with a call, I’d be kicking myself for not defining the flop better.

So I’m thinking I played this right, except for one real problem: I’m forced to go all-in on the flop, but I’m only getting called if I’m beat. I don’t see a way around this with a short stack, but instinctively I feel like this isn’t the way to play a cash game.

That sounds about right

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After Checking Your Bank Account, Remember To Log Out, Close The Web Browser, And Throw Your Computer Into The Ocean

Many customers ask us if it’s safe to check their bank account at a WiFi hotspot, and while we encourage you to avoid entering your password on public networks, there are simple steps you can take to limit the possibility of compromising your data. For one, disconnect from the hotspot as soon as you finish your session. Two, go into your browser’s settings and click “Delete Cookies.” Three, rip all the wiring from the establishment’s walls and ceilings. Four, douse the premises in gasoline or acetone and set it on fire. And five, immediately reset your password upon returning to a secure network. That’s it!

  • Josh Centers:
    Do you guys have any diaper recommendations? My wife’s driving me crazy with the options.
  • Josh Centers:
    Thanks Glenn. Honestly, I have no idea. I mentioned cloth, now she’s proposing this proprietary G-Diaper system. I’m so confused.

I’m waiting for surgical colon bypass closure before I reproduce.

  • Josh Centers:
    I’m considering sitting the tyke down on a training toilet from birth until he figures it out. Like I do with my cats.
  • Jeff Carlson:
    I know someone who basically did that. Rushed kid to toilet each time. It’s a thing. It’s also madness IMHO.

That’s it, I’m not spawning. 1000’s of my descendants will never exist because of you.

If I don’t qualify as a Companion, maybe I can be the librarian. Or maintenance of the TARDIS Jeffries tubes, I’d probably have a knack.

  • Robert Lefkowitz:
    The TARDIS doesn’t have a smoking section.

Man’s got a sun going nova in his basement. Not only is that a smoking section, he’ll give me a light.

If I don’t qualify as a Companion, maybe I can be the librarian. Or maintenance of the TARDIS Jeffries tubes, I’d probably have a knack.