[I got a little silly this afternoon. Preserving it here for posterity.]

7:05 PM: #RapturePR Yes, of course it’s today. Except in Australia, Asia, and parts of Eastern Europe.

7:12 PM: #RapturePR Don’t bother looking for those Disney executives. We needed their help dealing with the long lines.

7:20 PM: #RapturePR Attn idiots murdering children: please reread the fine print on your ticket. Really. We mean it.

7:25 PM: #RapturePR We’re getting word that today’s volcano and earthquakes were not quite earth-shattering. The people responsible have been sacked.

7:28 PM: #RapturePR Attention Copts: we cannot be responsible for your safety if you invade Libyan airspace on your way up.

7:32 PM: #RapturePR Yes, the flying nuns *did* get a head start over the rest of you. Stop grumbling. They’re *nuns*.

7:34 PM: #RapturePR Oh, by the way… Mayans? Suck it.

7:36 PM: #RapturePR We’ll be processing you in alphabetical order, no complaints please. Abdul abn Aaziz! Step on down. You’re our first contestant.

7:38 PM: #RapturePR Those of you with a long wait ahead of you, please visit our gift shop/snack bar. We borrowed that idea from our Jewish friends.

7:40 PM: #RapturePR If it is 5/22 where you are, don’t panic. We stopped being literal about the word “day” a week before Genesis.

7:44 PM: #RapturePR Rapturees from Washington DC, please be patient. Our air traffic controller fell asleep.

7:48 PM: #RapturePR Please refrain from taunting Jews on your way up. We don’t want you to piss off our accountants. Atheists are fair game.

7:54 PM: #RapturePR Liberty University fraternity brothers: please stop whizzing on Virginia. It’s unseemly.

8:00 PM: #RapturePR FAQ: no, we do not have AT&T 3G coverage. Wow, and we thought *we* were optimists.

8:00 PM: #RapturePR FAQ: just leave the iPad at home. Your solar charger will not work off of Holy Radiance.

8:03 PM: #RapturePR FAQ: yes, you can drink here. Immortal, remember? The open bar is just past the Crystal Meth Pavilion.

8:06 PM: #RapturePR FAQ: No, you will not receive 72 virgins upon arrival. How did you get this number?

8:06 PM: #RapturePR We have no disease or pregnancy. Most virgins will give it up before they clear the stratocumulus layer.

8:13 PM: #RapturePR FAQ: Mac/PC idiots: neither. We’ve been Open Source since 33 AD. Can’t help it that y’all forked the codebase so often since.

8:15 PM: #RapturePR No, Tim LaHaye is NOT invited. When we told you about camels and eyes of needles, did you think we were bullshitting?

8:15 PM: #RapturePR Kirk Cameron? Please. You can keep that putz.

8:19 PM: #RapturePR Our 5,000,000th customer just went sub-orbital! Suck it, Branson.

8:29 PM: #RapturePR @ACLU Sure, feel free to revoke our tax-exempt status. We can turn water into wine, it’s not like we need more money.

8:31 PM: #RapturePR Attention rapturees: suborbital windsurfing off of the International Space Station begins in 15 minutes. Wear sunscreen.

8:33 PM: #RapturePR We hear that Californians are assembling in open fields so they don’t hit their heads at 6 PM PST. That’s so adorable.

8:34 PM: #RapturePR Sorry, big guy. We’ve got the Hallelujah chorus. @DepressedDarth: Jesus should walk down from clouds to the Imperial Death March.

8:35 PM: #RapturePR Iceland? ICELAND? Fuck. “@slashdot: Volcano Erupts In Iceland bit.ly/m1f61k”

8:37 PM: #RapturePR Damn, we appear to have taken DSK by mistake. Sorry about that whole “home confinement” thing. Working on it.

8:40 PM: #RapturePR Yes, we invited the 25,000 Big Mac guy. He said he’d prefer to go for 30.

8:43 PM: #RapturePR Attention shoppers: doors closing on West Coast in 18 minutes. Please bring your last minute repentance to the counter.

8:45 PM: #RapturePR For Our sake, Camping. STOP CALLING. We didn’t pick up the damn phone earlier and we’re not going to now. Enjoy the gravity.

8:50 PM: #RapturePR You guys with the helium-filled blow-up dolls? I haven’t seen Jesus laugh like that since Magdalene brought cake to the Seder.

8:53 PM: #RapturePR Hey, Facebook. Foursquare is eating your lunch with their Heaven-enabled checkins. Get on it, will you?

8:54 PM: #RapturePR We’re the top story on Google News! On behalf of PR Staff, we’re taking vacation in Valhalla as soon as we can get out of here.

8:56 PM: #RapturePR Please note: entire Republican 2012 field can expect to be there Monday. Not that we’re judging, or anything.

8:58 PM: #RapturePR If you intended to see On Stranger Tides before coming, We recommend a drive-thru. It’s not like we have it here.

8:59 PM: #RapturePR Camping, the Big Guy just went to get the thunderbolts. You *really* want to put down that fucking phone.