Author Archives: Jeff Porten

@flargh Hmm. My calendar informs me that I am exactly 2 days older than you. You young hot thing, you.

Peter Cohen @flargh:
@jeffporten Enjoy your Geritol and Matlock reruns, old timer.

@flargh Only 22 years and 1 day away til sweet, sweet Cialis discounts. So there, nyah.

Michael T. Rose @MikeTRose:
Oh my goodness. Happy Hanukkah to me from my wonderfully insane spouse. pic.twitter.com/uVuBpkh5

Shawn King @ShawnKing:
@MikeTRose That’s different from a Fleshlight…right?

@ShawnKing @miketrose Depends on how often you stick your dick in a furnace.

Sarah Silverman @SarahKSilverman:
So happy to hear about another 22 y/o actress cast to play opposite an actor in his 40’s!
Not gross at all

@SarahKSilverman Shhh. We middle-aged single guys need constant validation that we’re not at all creepy. You’ll cause a panic.

“@ojezap: Shoveling today? Give your heart a break – TwinCities.com” // I had 2 great uncles die shoveling snow, married to same aunt.

Glenn Fleishman @GlennF:
Autocorrect turns Greek austerity into sauté tutu. Much more fun.

@GlennF Bishop Desmond Austerity would like to have words with your iPhone.

Cabel Max?eld Sasser @Cabel:
@doctorow PS: Speaking of awesome old Radio Shack catalogs, you might enjoy these amazing DAK catalogs I scanned. cabel.me/2012/11/26/the…

@Cabel @doctorow Oh, man. My childhood in a bottle.

Melody Kramer @mkramer:
I did not. “@erika_owens: @mkramer did you know your menorah was in this roundup? huff.to/Vs8smj”

@mkramer @erika_owens Took me a moment to realize you didn’t mean the eight Stoli bottles.

Glenn Fleishman @GlennF:
If you’d like to hear me quote Lauren Graham having sex in Bad Santa, listen to: bit.ly/QQL4lx

@GlennF In last tweet, *very important* not to skim and miss entire line reading “quote Lauren Graham”.

“@bizandtech: Apple’s U.S. Mac-making plan to create 200 jobs, says report cnet.co/UlFm6O” // $500K per job? This is good news?

“@jonathancoulton: Wikipedia Chanukah is in setlist tonight. Bring glow sticks and MDMA.” Hanukah miracle: poor choices last for 8 partners.

“@Slate: PSY earns $870K in YouTube profits for “Gangnam Style”: slate.me/QNyeV1” Note to self: learn air dressage, become Korean.

Shawn King @ShawnKing:
“G4 to become the Esquire Channel” So…going from “Gaming Geeks TV” to “Middle Aged White Guy TV”? yml.me/TSs6by

@ShawnKing As a middle aged white guy with delusions of coolness, I resent your implication.

Melody Kramer @mkramer:
I need a laugh…and this painting in the library I’m studying in needs a caption, please: twitpic.com/bk98cw

@mkramer “Unlike his cousin Joe, Ralph Biden’s career peaked in the 1970s and he’s wondered what went wrong ever since.”

rik panganiban @rikomatic:
Listening to @neiltyson on “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” makes me think he is one of the coolest ppl on this planet. #fb

@rikomatic I met him at a conference. @neiltyson is indeed one of the coolest people, and most gracious.

Phil Plait @BadAstronomer:
#BAFact: If you fell into a black hole, you’d pass the event horizon (the point of no return) at the speed of light.

@BadAstronomer Huh. Question: we have mass. How does that change our event horizon speed? Thought we’d need infinite energy for c.

Lex Friedman @lexfri:
Holy convenient lazy susan. #firsttimetemple

Chris Breen @BodyofBreen:
@lexfri And here I was thinking you were tweeting about your first visit to the synagogue during the high holidays.

@BodyofBreen @lexfri Lex thought he was just stopping in, but he was miraculously trapped there for eight days.

Lex Friedman @lexfri:
Either I just had a stroke, or she is not singing in English. #firsttimetemple

@lexfri LOL. Until I checked the thread, I thought you were talking about a synagogue.

(Lex was watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom for the first time.)

Sara E. Mayhew @saramayhew:
Mom’s mom baked 12 loaves each week; *with* a bread machine, I’m at 4hrs for one. Sliced bread = hours of time better spent for moms.

@saramayhew Oddly enough, my family told the same story about gefilte fish.