September 29, 2008: Washington released the final results of its $713.2 billion bailout plan today, surprising investors and capital markets by announcing the whole sum to go into a debt purchase and equity investment in the venerable 90-year-old firm Warner Brothers.

In a live address to the nation, President George W. Bush announced that “the merry-go-round broke down.” Warning of severe consequences to the American economy, Bush stated, “The failure of additional American banks will inevitably lead to the demolition of their buildings, and a plague of unreliable singing frogs will be unleashed upon the nation, causing untold ruin to all taxpayers who believe they can get them to perform before an audience.”

Government intervention was believed to be inevitable after rumors arose that Disney was eyeing Warner Brothers for private acquisition. Former Senator Phil Gramm said, “The merger of Looney Tunes and Merry Melodies with Silly Symphonies would cause an unfortunate monopolistic position in the crucial category of amusing orchestration.”

Additional concerns were raised that allowing Warner Brothers to collapse would cause its characters to form numerous and multicolored terrorist cels.

The decision is not without controversy. Longtime Bush contributor and Texas native Frederick Bean “Tex” Avery will lead the government distribution of funds, while colleague Mel Blanc was left out of negotiations after suspicions were raised that he was French.

Additional details of the plan as of press time:

1. Investment in the American entrepreneurial spirit, and continued innovation and product R&D, is ensured by making the Acme Corporation the sole supplier of the US military, the Army Corps of Engineers, FEMA, and the Department of Agriculture. Acme spokesman Leon Schlesinger said Thursday, “The equity position the US government is taking in Acme is predicted to value at 3.7 gazillion simoleans by 2013.”

2. Furthering Bush administration plans to switch to clean energy, 20% of the nation’s automobiles to be powered by PU-38 by 2016. 15,000 jobs are expected to be created in the high-energy physics and engineering sector to develop and implement Explosive Space Modulator Deactivator technologies.

3. A special committee at the Department of Commerce will release statistics tracking the value of government investments, highlighting those increasing in value. The What’s Up DOC memorandum will be released monthly at Kirtland Air Force Base, just left of Albuquerque, New Mexico.

4. To prevent a collapse of the value of the dollar on international currency markets, a basket of international treasury bills will be maintained, termed Loosely Entangled Pricing in Euro Wealth. The LEPEW is expected to maintain the dollar in 4 1/6 Eurocent increments, with currency equality termed “24 carrots”.

5. Bull and bear markets to be replaced with “rabbit seasons” and “duck seasons”. Periods when “the market is not functioning normally” to be called “Elmer seasons”.