My favorite search terms for June and July, with Google ranks and my commentary:

1. bush’s body double (1/19,800,000)

   Not that I’m auditioning or anything.

2. slots stupid people (1/5,020,000)

   Found another one last weekend — a machine that saved up spins that had to win, and all you have to do is hit the big green button. Someone walked away with four spins sitting on their machine. Free money.

3. zippo wick wont catch (1/515)

   Try more lighter fluid, or if you’re not getting a spark, you need another flint.

4. osamabinladen@hotmail.com (1/16)
5. how to protect ourselves from drought (2/766,000)

   Raindancing? Or call Leap of Faith.

6. john williams is god (3/22,900,000)
7. conserve gravity (4/894,000)

   Really, if you’re interested, just go to the source.

8. sitting near the bathroom on the plane (6/1,310,000)

   Sorry, can’t help you. Don’t think I want to.

9. is powerplay for powerball a good bet? (6/740)
   powerball should i powerplay? (39/218,000)

   Yes. You bet two dollars, you win between two and five dollars. If you can’t understand this, you should never place another bet so long as you live. Unless you play poker. Play poker all you like.

10. bull tarleton kappa alpha society (6/256)

    Oddly enough, the first five reference neither Bull nor Kappa Alpha.

11. signs of the coming apocalypse (14/1,410,000)

    Ooooh, if I make it into the top four, do I get to be a horseman?

12. call center hell verizon wireless (15/473,000)

    Only half a million hits? Surprising.

13. $2 bet on craps atlantic city nj? (17/56,000)

    Sorry, not since the Atlantis closed.

14. sleep is for the weak (27/17,200,000)
15. i need to hack mac administrative password (28/1,270,000)

    Boot off your DVD, choose “reset password”.

16. which greyhound stations use metal detectors (31/89,400)

    Hey, I’m all for privacy… but why do you want to know?

17. hoverboards that actually work (38/12,600)

    Hey, if anyone wants to send me one as a demo….

18. Hermann Goering (not in top 100, thank God)
19. joan collins (not in top 100)
20. men are so stupid (not in top 100)

And drumroll please for my “jeff is an idiot” rank: 5/6,530,000.